I look at him and it's hard to comprehend the magnitude of what happened. I mean, come on...look at him! Aside from being exhausted on a daily basis (understandably so) and having a massive scar running across his head, he is completely back to being himself.
We spend a lot of time talking and trying to process through all of this. I'm finding myself keeping a lot of it at arms length because when I really let it all in...let in how close we came to losing him...I panic and can't stop sobbing. He's incredibly thankful to be alive and overwhelmed that he is. So we talk a lot about how thankful we are. Sometimes I can't seem to get close enough to him. Or I find myself not wanting to stop touching him or holding his hand.
One thing we've heard a lot from people is "I can't wait to see what God does with you now" or "God saved you...He must have big plans for you", etc.
I get the sentiment. Really, I do. But I don't necessarily agree.
Okay. Maybe God will do something big with Herman's life. Maybe He won't. Whatever. To be completely honest, I don't really care.
Because here's what I firmly believe: I think that God saved Herman to spare me and Emilia the pain of losing him.
To me, it's enough that he's alive. That I get to be his wife rather than his widow. That we get to spend every day together. That he gets to see Emilia grow up. That I still have my best friend. I don't need him to do anything other than that.
Because with all we've been through together (and my natural tendency towards depression) I know in the deepest part of my soul that I could not have survived losing him.
To be alive. To be my husband. To be Emilia's dad. That's enough for me. And that is what I'm so incredibly thankful for.
13 comments:
Oh gosh, I finally read what happened (I saw your posting on FB and have been praying, but didn't think to check your blog, duh). I love this post and as always, I love your honesty!! I'm sure God would've done great things with Herman AND you regardless . . . but there's no reason to overspiritualize. We're just thankful for his recovery and for his presence in your lives and in this world! Love to you guys!!! If you're still sending out updates via email, please add me to your list!! - Lois
Amen. :)
Thrilled to get an update and see how well he is doing.
Being a husband and a father are great things. If he were to do nothing more than that, he'd still be doing great things.
Brings tears to my eyes to see you both together. Enjoy each other and the gift of many tomorrows to come.
Good honest words, Traci. I appreciate them and understand a bit too. We have a son with Asperger (high func autism). You have no idea how often I have tired of hearing "must be a plan for this... God picked you..." Ahhh sometimes I really want to say "stop it, leave it alone. Feel free to pray for us, but leave the figuring out part alone." There's no reasoning in Autism (and in many of life's traumas), there's just my knowing even when life is at it's worst, I can know God has love for us- oh! and grace too. "His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me..." love, Lorisa in CO
still can't believe how great herman's doing! we love you guys so so much and can't say enough times how relieved we are that your family is intact. and that you guys are super cute in that picture. :)
Traci, he is amazing. And you are too.
There is no doubt that everything God does it exactly as He planned - nothing is a mistake or unplanned in His eyes.
Generally there is a reason for something like this... and if it is simply to be more grateful for life and love and the many blessings we enjoy daily, well I do believe we all need that awakener. Truly. And just to be following and praying for your family through this, we've all been awakened to the realization that we take so much for granted, yet our breath is in God's hand.
It's a miracle Herman is doing as well as he is. I think I would be sobbing too. I can't even imagine the 'idea' of losing either of my loved ones.
So happy you have each other. God is good.
Jill
It's a big deal to be an amazing daddy and husband. It's a good reminder to the rest of us (okay, maybe just me...)to appreciate that Daddy and husband. Love you. Love your honesty and insight.
i can't tell you how amazed and thankful i am for herman's recovery. rejoicing with you guys. :)
tears streaming down my cheeks. that is the gift. that is it, right there.
life itself, and all that he is- to you, to your family. you get it. he gets it. there doesn't need to be anything else.
now- breathe. breathe, move forward... and embrace the future together. blessings to you - to him, and to that precious daughter of yours!
Thank you for your honesty. We're thankful too that he's alive, he's with you and with Emilia. That's all that matters.
I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like to be in your shoes the past several weeks.
Your words are beautiful Traci and quite touching. We are happy to hear Herman is doing well...and relieved he is still here to be Husband and Baba for the two of you.
Post a Comment